


To Find Love in a Place Called Trat

by zellaraya



Category: Perthsaintsation - Fandom, บังเอิญรัก | Love by Chance (TV), บังเอิญรัก | Love by Chance (TV) RPF
Genre: Angst, Cuddling, Drama, Fluff, Kissing, M/M, PerthSaint, Romance, Sonpin, mae nuk is a shipper, neptune is a shipper, pinson, pinsonpin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 08:37:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18407024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zellaraya/pseuds/zellaraya
Summary: LBC filming is over, Perth and Saint miss each other, Mae Nuk is ever the captain and makes Saint invite him over to Trat for three weeks. Love ensues.AU where Neptune and NaNa are Saint's little sisters





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For updates on chapters pls follow @zellaraya on twitter, leave comments there or here if you have an account, i really do cherish every single comment and it motivates me to get the chapters out!! I appreciate every one of you and strive to improve, thank you to all who have commented before :) 
> 
> Please do note I am a student and there is no scheduled uploading

I was accustomed to his touch, our bodies were conditioned to be comfortable with each other. I was used to his hand lingering on my waist, warmth still present even when his touch left it. 

 

When we would stare into each other, it was like sharing a silent conversation spoken by our thoughts.    
  


Ever since our first meeting, our agenda was to get comfortable with each other, so that our interactions on screen wouldn’t seem forced. We lost our first kiss with a man to each other, overcoming embarrassment, then moving on to more intensified displays of affection.    
  


Even when I knew I was acting, the scenes we played out felt real, I felt unprofessional- not being able to separate my work from reality, so out of desire to be more professional, I ignored what thoughts I had, dismissing them as misconceptions.    
  


When our lips touched, it felt gentle, soft. When he sucked my lips, the pull felt intoxicating, exposing me to a want I couldn’t yet explain nor wanted to. Sometimes, I’d go home to my bed and still feel the warmth of his flesh around me from a scene we’d filmed. I’d dream of him embracing me like he’d done while filming, only without the cameras and crew surrounding our proximity, and the scene wouldn’t end with a ‘ _ Cut! _ ’ from P’New, we’d simply go on being in each other’s arms… then my alarm would ring and I’d wake up to a reality, one where every display of affection we’d share on camera was a false reality we were hired and trained to play out.

 

I’d use every opportunity to take care of him, to protect him, to help him, because I cared for him and I dared not think any further of my role in his life- I was his Phi, and that was all I was allowed to be.

 

Being close with him was enough, it made me happy. I dismissed whatever even slightly romantic feelings I’d had as residue from having acted as his lover for a few months on and off screen and being regarded as so by fans for the following months, our acts of love being displayed on huge screens, causing us to feel flustered. 

 

Love By Chance had ended, we separated ways in terms of our career, but our hearts remained tied, connected. We Line messaged each other most nights when we weren’t too busy, or if we were, we’d send a message for each other to see when we were free, exchanging jokes, talking about Perth entering my university, etcetera, etcetera… One thing I never really got the courage to ever text him was the one thing my heart had always wanted to say after we finished filming:  _ I miss you. _

 

Sometimes, I felt the urge to type it out, fingers hovering over the keyboard before eventually closing the app altogether- the timing was never right. I was afraid he might read too much into it, afraid he’d take it the wrong way, but I was also afraid he’d regard it as a simple phrase, one without meaning and dismiss my yearning for his presence with nonchalance. 

 

Being separated from him weeks at a time was not a feeling I was used to, only then did I realize the joy that I felt around him was different than others, every interaction with him sparked joy in me, his presence at my side giving me a comfort, a sense of contentment and pure bliss that I couldn’t feel with any of my friends. 

 

I really did miss him.

 

I was in my house in Trat, taking a break from my work schedule for a few weeks to my reluctance- P’Chen demanded I take a few weeks off minimum, I’d recently recovered from symptoms of over exhaustion and he’d rather I take a break than plow through work at half capacity. 

 

I was in the room filled to the brim with gifts from fans, dragon plushies, portraits, photobooks and the likes were scattered in a chaotic order positioned from the floor to the upper shelf. I transferred the bulk of my gifts here to Trat when the apartment I stayed at lost space. Overall, you could see pictures of Perth too, some standing beside me, some just on his own because fans thought it’d be nice to tease me, I was secretly thankful, because nowadays it’s the most comfort I get when the painful pulling in my chest starts to pop up every now and then, I just go to the room and look at him- even if it’s just a flat picture, it was still present, it was the closest thing to him I could get. 

 

At that moment, I was holding a printed photo of him and I, the picture of me sitting on his lap as he puckered his lips, pretending to kiss me, blown up to an A5 size photo. I leaned against the doorframe, thumb sliding over his face. 

 

“Invite him here,” my mother’s voice shocked me, jolting my body upwards, she was looking at me with a gentle expression on her face, “He’s been working hard too, and our house has plenty of space. You can have a friend your age to have fun with, too.” 

 

I laughed softly, “Mae, he probably has schedule these days, he can’t just up and leave his work, especially not now when he’s gaining so much popularity. I have you guys and my sisters to play with, that’s all I need,” I smiled at her, the words that came out of my mouth were more to reassure myself more than her. 

 

“Don’t think I don’t have his manager’s number, P’Pupae said she’s making him take a few weeks leave same as you, she got the idea from P’Chen,” she smirked at me, “Go get my second son over here before you start living in that room,” pointing to the room filled with our couple photos and merchandise, making me blush at the implication. My mother knows me too well, she chooses not to say it but I know in her heart she knew her son was missing someone, and who else could it be other than the one boy she saw her son was completely enamoured with?  

 

“Text him,” she said before turning around and walking away.

 

A good child never disobeys a mother’s order.

 

_ S: Yo, you got forced into the break, too right? 555 _

 

_ P: Yea, Phi, I’m itching to work but at least I get to play my guitar...other than that I’m quite bored, everyone else is working or studying… _

 

_ S: Mae wants you to come here, at least I can show you the sites here, the beaches are nice, especially the food 5555  _

 

_ P: 55 Tell Mae I’m on my way!  _

 

I sent him the address, and the conversation didn’t continue. My heart was too hopped up on dopamine to function and hold a proper conversation at the moment. I told him Mae wanted him to come over, not me, I was reading too much into it, maybe an attempt at hiding any inkling to me missing him. Nonetheless, I was excited, ecstatic at the thought of finally getting to see him after a few weeks, the  _ real _ him, not some photo I was holding, failing as a substitute. I’d get to hug him, touch his flesh, feel his warmth in whatever way I could, no matter how small. 

 

“Mae! He’s coming in the next few days, where is he going to sleep? I need to make the bedding!” I shouted, scuffling through the spare blankets and pillows and bed covers in my cabinet.

 

“Guest bedroom!” she shouted. I made my way to the guest bedroom, pillow and blankets in hand before I noticed something.

 

“Mae, the spring’s broken!” A coiled piece of metal was sticking out just slightly from the side of the bed.

 

“Huh?” She walked over from the living room, “Oh, no, I think your sister was jumping in there…tsk,” she scratched her head, “I think… there’s a spare mattress kept somewhere… just use that and he can sleep in your room.” 

 

At the mention of him sleeping in the same room as me, my breath got caught in my throat before I managed to reply an ‘okay’ and proceeded to transfer the beddings back to my room and find the mattress. 

 

I’m a 21 year old man, I can be mature and share a room with another human of male species and  _ not _ freak out, or so I hoped.

 

Over the next couple of days, Perth took the long trip to my hometown and arrived in the early afternoon in my driveway, fresh in his new BMW he’d gotten from his parents. He parked his car and got out of the driver’s seat, opening his door to my warm welcome, “Nong! Long time no see!” I gave him a tight hug and savoured the feeling of his slightly smaller figure against mine. 

 

“Haha, yeah, Phi! Haven’t seen your double chin around in a long time!” he chided as we pulled away, I nudged at him for the stupid joke, laughing along. 

 

I helped carry his guitar and speaker up to the house as he carried his two backpacks containing clothes and other necessities for three weeks of stay at Saint Paradise- well it will be as long as he was here, anyways.

 

After I got his things settled down in my room, I asked him, “Do you want to go out today or rest and then go out tomorrow? It’s a long trip from Bangkok and we’re going to have a barbecue tonight anyways.”

 

He nodded his head, “Yea, I’m fine with resting, four hours in a car is really tiring… I’d rather just chat here with you, relax...” I smiled at that, at the fact that he’d rather spend time with me than go out and do something more exciting, it made me happy inside.

 

“Ayyy, you miss Phi, don’t you? Na, na, na~,” I joked, poking at his ribcage, making him giggle and evade me. He tried to fight back and poke my ribs, but I moved quickly, and every touch I made targeted his tickle spots, ones I know very well and often manipulate to tease him, making him giggle in laughter, “Phi- HAHAHAHHA- Phi, sto- HAHAHAHA!” 

 

He managed to get in a few tickles, making me shift back and burst out in laughter, and we got engrossed in the childish play, pushing and pulling each other, poking our sides, making each other laugh. In that moment, I felt him grabbing my hand, trying to stop me from reaching his waist, his body jerking outwards as my fingers met his ribs, making his head fit right into the crook of my neck for just a second. Then, he reached his hand out sneakily and swiftly poked my ribs, making me jump, then I proceeded to retaliate, attempting to poke him, but ended up falling forward due to his hand still grabbing tightly onto my arm.

 

Despite being seated, we still lost balance and lost the fight against gravity, I fell forward looming over him, my right hand out beside his head, supporting me, his right hand still holding my left arm, leaving me on top of his hips, him looking up at me. We were still smiling, giggling. We looked into each other’s eyes- eyes I’d been dying to get lost in again after weeks that felt like millenia. Soon, we stopped giggling and just stared into each other, my thoughts going a hundred miles per hour yet feeling like time was a hundred times slower. I didn't want it to ever end.

 

“You… want me to cook you anything?” I said meekly, at an attempt to leave this position before I did something I’d regret. I lifted myself off him, gently, sitting back down to my original position. 

 

He scoffed and slowly sat back down beside me, “How about something to reminisce?”

 

I turned to him, “Hm?”

 

“Shrimp porridge.”

 

I stirred the porridge inside the pot, “Perth, come here,” he stood beside me, then, I lifted the large wooden spoon up to my lips, blowing on it, before giving it to Perth, feeding it into his mouth. 

 

“How is it?”

 

“Derishoush,” he mumbled around the mouth of slightly still hot porridge. I smiled widely at his adorable expression, looking like a cute kid munching food, cheeks puffed and lips pouted. Dare I say, he was even cuter than my baby sister. 

 

We sat down on the dinner table, the pot of porridge between us, seated facing each other. We made conversation in between spoonfuls, “Where is Mae Nuk? Where are your sisters?” He looked around, seeing the house was relatively empty.

 

“My mother’s at the bike shop, Neptune is at school, Nana is in her crib upstairs sleeping,” I said around some porridge, “How’s work? I see you’re getting so many jobs! Oho, between getting Samsung sponsor and landing a film with Netflix, Phi is really proud of you na! Even instagram agrees you’re famous, HAHA, Phi is so jealous~.” 

 

He smiled at me, replying with laughter, “It’s really tiring, though. And it took me a while to get used to being so busy, travelling so far in such a short span of time.” 

 

“Happy you don’t see my face anymore?” I teased, 

 

“Ohoey, no, Phi, and it’s not like I don’t see your face on my phone every time I scroll through twitter- it seems your face is going to be plastered with mine for a long time, but I don’t think I’ll ever not be happy looking at your face. The memories we shared, good and bad, they’ve been the most memorable I’ve had so far, it has a place reserved in my heart.” 

 

Hearing the words flow out of him so naturally, the genuinity of what he said, really struck me. He happily went on eating his porridge like he didn’t just drop the most touching declaration in front of my face.  _ I have a place in his heart _ . That was what was repeating in my head as my heart beat faster, looking down, shoving porridge in my mouth to hide the fluster. 

 

A couple hours later, Mae Nuk and Neptune had arrived back, the door latch clacking, releasing a small toddler adorably running towards me screaming, “P’Saint~!” She latched onto my leg, jumping up and down in excitement. She loved spending time with me and cherished every moment when I came home, seeing as my busy schedule wouldn’t allow enough leeway to come back home as often as I’d like. I bent down and scooped her up into my arms, her head turned, curious about the other, more new presence in the house. 

 

“P’Saint, is that your boyfriend kha?” she asked innocently, my mother just giggled silently as my face burst into pink, flustered at my sister’s words. Perth just looked at my sister surprised, their first interaction going off to a strange start. 

 

“What do you mean boyfriend, Nong? This is Phi’s friend,” trying to correct her while trying not to sound so nervous.

 

“I see Mae arranging the room sometimes and I see pictures of him hugging you and making kissy faces, kha. Mae says only lovers do that…”

 

“Okay, Neptune, come to Mae, it’s time to go change and get ready to go for the barbecue,” lifting her out of my arms and carrying her away.

 

I stood there smiling shyly, still pink from embarrassment. “Sorry about that… she’s a child, she doesn’t know how to… filter yet.” 

 

He laughed it off, “It’s okay, I get it, I get it,” he scratched his head, “I didn’t know you had a stock of our CP stuff…”

 

I huffed a breath, “Yeah, couldn't fit the apartment, had to move it here,” I looked at my watch, “I think we need to go change, we’re heading out soon.”

 

Smoke rose in ribbons from the wire mesh grill,  marinated meat sizzling as it makes contact with the heat, spreading a delicious, heaty aroma around the vicinity, wafting through our noses. I was standing watch at the grill, albeit quite casually- I was more focused on the other scene playing out before me. I watched fondly as my mother smiled at Perth carrying Nana in his hands, my sister playing in the sand a small distance away. He made faces at her, smiling widely, making her squeal with laughter, her gummy smile and chubby cheeks making my heart go soft. 

 

I took my phone out and snapped a quick picture, framing the adorable scene where Perth was raising Nana’s forehead against his, giving her a look of pure adoration- similar to the one I’d had on looking at him. 

 

That night we shared laughter, Perth and I sharing banter, making my mother and my sister burst in amusement. The barbecue pit shed a joyful atmosphere, as if stuck in a bubble where time didn’t flow and only happiness remained. 

 

We headed down to the sand, sitting beside each other, watching the waves roll into shore, thrashing lightly against it. 

 

“Do you miss it?” I asked him, looking forward into the ocean.

 

He turned to me, “Miss what?”

 

“Filming… seeing each other most days of the week, acting as a couple…” I turned my head down, finger latently drawing lines into the sand.

 

He paused for a second, registering my question into his head, “Of course I miss it,” he turned back to the ocean, I looked at him, “Those days were fun. Tiring, sleep depriving, but when I filmed with you, I didn’t feel it. It was just me, you, Ae, and Pete… so, yes, I miss it,” he paused, then turned his head to look into my eyes, “I missed  _ you _ .” 

 

He smiled at me, and my heart skipped a beat, beating faster and faster. I looked down at the ground, blushing furiously, then looking back up with a grin on my face, “Hoey, you’re being so sappy, Perth!” I nudged his shoulder, “If you missed me so much, you could call me and I’d fly all the way to the island to take care of you!” I said, joking, half-meaning it, but he didn’t need to know that- that I was willing to put down everything just to be with him again, forgoing sleep and my job.

 

That night, Perth slept on the floor, beside my bed, just a little higher. Hearing him breathe next me, the simplest thing, made me smile from ear to ear. I was unable to sleep until I succumbed to the tiredness, I dreamt of him next to me on the beach, me in his arms watching the waves at night, and him kissing my forehead as we both smiled in glee. I knew I would wake up and he would be there, one day, maybe, I’d wake up with his face right next to mine.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


. 

  
  
  


  
  



	2. He's different with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perth misses saint, perth sleeps on his shoulder while saint pets him, Neptune asks some embarrassing questions and Mae Nuk gives him the talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perth POV

P’Saint to me was someone I’d looked up to, someone I could confide in for advice, someone whose generosity knew no bounds. 

 

However, my feelings toward him gradually changed and morphed from mere admiration into a kind of infatuation as we got to know each other  and interacted more. His smile and calm demeanour pulled me out of my shell when we’d first met. I wasn’t the talking type, but if you’d asked me to describe just how much I admired P’Saint, I could have gone on for hours telling you about his pinchable cheeks, how his smile lit me up from inside, how I could get lost in his eyes the minute I looked in them, how amazingly attractive and lean his body was, no matter what state it was in, and most important of all how he made me  _ happy _ , how he made me feel content, satisfied just being next to him doing nothing.

 

I was filming on the island at the time, every single day spent had me feeling like absolute death, yet when I visited that album on my phone, tapping on a photo of him, all feelings of exhaustion dissipated from my body. It was however replaced with a longing deep in my gut for his presence  _ here _ \- to be with me. 

 

I wondered if in his mind I was anything more than his Nong, a little brother to take care of now and then. Sometimes, his actions would make me doubt that notion, he would treat me with care, yes, but he’d also comb his hands through my hair for a fair amount of time, touching my neck tenderly and leaving his hand there, giving me a warmth I didn't want to ever leave. 

 

Naturally, with our history, I got so attached to him to the extent that I questioned just how far my feelings went- if they were even valid. This was my first time acting in a love story and completely invested myself into it, there were days I felt like I couldn’t differentiate between myself and Ae. 

 

For a long time, I kept quiet, I never talked to anyone about my current state of confusion. I was afraid they’d laugh at me for being so naive and making a newbie mistake of falling for your co-star, afraid they’d tell me all the butterflies I’d felt when looking at him were fake, yet I was also afraid of the opposite- the confirmation that my feelings, if they were what I suspected they were, were true. 

 

I’d shoved all these thoughts down when I got to Trat, I just wanted to have a good time with my Phi, to relax and have fun. When he greeted me out of my car, I felt myself melt into his warmth, it was something I’d missed, I wanted to wrap myself in it. 

 

That day when he fell onto me, and we stared at each other, I didn’t want it to end, I wanted to stay in that position for a much longer time, disappointedly, however, P’Saint got up and asked me what I wanted him to cook, and the moment was cut short much earlier than I’d wanted it to. 

 

I found out he had a stash of gifts from fans, obviously containing our CP things, and I intended to ask to see it, but he told me we had to go and change before I could open my mouth to ask. 

 

That night I confessed that I missed him, and he replied with a tease, saying I was sappy. I didn’t know if he’d taken me seriously or not, but nevertheless, I felt satisfied getting it out of my chest. 

 

After we’d gone out for lunch the next day, we stayed inside his room, sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed frame, I played his acoustic guitar as he sang, his voice sweeter than honey to my ears, it flowed through me and left a yellow trail through my heart. 

 

Soon, he got tired of singing and just listened to me play softly. A kind of weight grounded me at that moment, at the same time my insides felt like air, the atmosphere so dreamy I felt like I could have floated. I leaned my head against his shoulder, then he shifted his arm and I slid into the crook of his neck, the smell of him wafting through my nose. The guitar slid down to my lap, and I closed my eyes, shifting my weight fully onto him, turning my nose to touch the nape of his neck, keeping it there. 

 

It was a small distance to his heart, yet the thumping of it could be heard if you listened closely enough- or was it mine? 

 

His arm was behind my neck, pillowing my head from the sharp edges, his hand then travelled to my hair, combing through it slowly, massaging my scalp. He leaned his chin on me, and the steady rhythm of our hearts lulled me into a comfortable nap. Half-awake, half-asleep, our subconscious gravitated our hands together, barely linking, intertwined. 

 

I heard the door open then close quietly, only after realising it was Mae Nuk. She didn’t wake us, she merely peered through the crack and then stepped back. Then again, I couldn’t be sure, because I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings and my conscious mind was turned off. I didn’t remember anything clearly. 

 

About thirty minutes or so later, I was woken from my slumber by P’Saint tugging lightly on my ears. 

 

“Hm?” I mumbled groggily, scooting closer into him, not wanting to move away. 

 

He snickered at me, speaking softly, “We have to eat, Nong. Mae just called us down.” 

 

I mumbled something under my breath, obviously without thinking, “I wanna eat you…” Realising what I’d just said, my eyes widened and I shot up to P’Saint’s confused face. 

 

“What?” He was smiling, surprised at my reaction, did he not hear what I just said?

 

“Whatever, we have to go eat, Mae cooked the food already, they’re waiting for us,” he said as he stood up from his position, walking out the door. I sat there with a fluster on my face, hopeful that he didn’t hear my sleepy confession. 

 

After we ate dinner, Saint went to wash the dishes with his mother, I was left with Neptune sitting on my leg. I was tickling her and playing with her. I noticed how she inherited the youthfulness and beauty of her mother, similar to her brother. 

 

She said to me, “P’Perth, kha, how do you know my brother?”

 

“We acted in a show together,” I said vaguely.

 

“As what?”

 

I contemplated how to say this to a child, unsure if I should even say it, I considered lying but I said it anyways, “As his lover.” she giggled softly at my answer, the words from my mouth making me blush. 

 

“When you acted as lovers, what did you do, kha?”

 

“We...hugged, a lot,” I tried my best to simplify what we did on screen, it wasn’t exactly wrong. 

 

“But don’t you hug a lot in real life, too?” She asked curiously, I nodded, agreeing to her.

 

“Well, yes.”

 

“Then are you lovers in real life, too?” I blushed at that, I waved my hand, saying no.

 

“We aren’t, we’re just friends… we’re too young for that…”

 

“Then- Then- if you were older could you become lovers then, kha?”

 

I was speechless, I didn’t know what to say to that. Mostly because I couldn’t give her an absolute answer, if I was being completely honest, I didn’t think it was an option that was _ impossible,  _ but I couldn’t say it was quite  _ likely _ either. So I changed the topic slightly, I didn’t want to lie to a child, “Can you keep a secret, Nong?”

 

She nodded furiously, “You know…” I went up to her ear and whispered, “I’ve been on this Earth 18 years… but P’Saint is the cutest in my heart.” 

 

She giggled and covered her mouth, I raised my pinky and hooked it to hers, swearing to never tell. 

 

Mae Nuk stepped out from the kitchen, wiping her hands with a towel, “What are you guys laughing about?”

 

“Nothing!” Neptune exclaimed, giggling wildly. 

 

Neptune went to her room, and Mae Nuk sat down beside me, smiling. 

 

“Saint…” she said to me, her expression more mild, “I know he looks strong, but I think you know he’s actually quite vulnerable. He feels the need to be mature, to take care of us. And now he feels the need to take care of you, too. So do Mae a favour,” she leaned forward and squeezed my hand, emphasising her words, “Take good care of him. You matter a huge amount in his life, more than he can express in front of you. He could shout it to the  _ world _ , but he’s too shy to tell  _ you _ , trust me on that.” 

 

She leaned back in her chair, looking towards the kitchen, where the sound of water running was still ongoing, “I know he finds joy in acting, I still remember him auditioning 100 times, still remember when he didn’t have any MingEr to support him, he was still happy though. Yet somehow,” her eyes flitted down, “that happiness increased so much more when I saw him on stage with you,” she looked at me, my mouth was agape, not knowing how to interpret her words, “Everyone can see it, how he lights up and talks about you to no end. His eyes- they’re different when you’re in them.” 

 

After hearing Mae Nuk’s words, I looked at my phone when she’d left. On my screen was a photo  of us singing  _ Mun Kong Phen Kwahm Rak _ , the last part where he’d take the mic and our faces were close to each other. I looked at him and his eyes in every contact we shared or look in my direction in every photo and video- it looked akin to adoration.

 

That night when I slept in the mattress next to his bed, I heard Mae Nuk’s words ringing in my head.

 

_ His eyes- they’re different when you’re in them. _

  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Bad Luck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> perth gets sick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter for today :)  
> I can only write on weekends with full focus (I write in free time) but updates will take a week at most for longer chapters.

When he leaned on my shoulder, my heart skipped a beat, and I smiled. I decided to lift my arm behind his head, and he slid closer into the crook of my neck, making my heart just soar. It felt nice, feeling the tip of his nose gently touch my neck as he slept. I combed my left hand through his soft hair, and leaned my cheek onto his head.

 

Indulgence wasn’t a crime, was it? 

 

I noticed him getting gradually paler, just a little. I didn’t believe him when he said he was okay, he said he’d only a little bit of muscle aches left over from working. I woke up one morning, and I heard him moaning, it sounded painful. I checked on him and his forehead was beaded with sweat. 

 

“Perth, Perth, are you okay?” I gently shook him awake, his reply only a painful groan. 

 

I felt his head and it was on fire. I ran to the kitchen and prepared a basin of water with a soaked towel. I meandered him from the mattress to the decisively more comfortable bed with much effort, fighting his desire to just weigh himself down and sink into the ground. He groaned the entire way up, “Ng...Phi… I don’t wanna get up…”

 

“You’re going to get up to get on  _ another _ more comfortable bed anyway, get up just this once, na?” 

 

As I laid him down onto the bed, I noticed his clothes were a shade darker than they were yesterday, soaked in sweat. I had to wipe him down. 

 

“Perth, you have to sit up for me.”

 

“Why…” he groaned, dragging his words.

 

“You’re soaked, you’ll get even more sick like that.”

 

I helped him up as he stubbornly sat up, his eyes barely open. I lifted his shirt up gingerly, the unlifted fabric sticking to his damp skin, revealing his lean stomach. I couldn’t help but let my eyes travel down just a while, then shifting my eyes away and focusing on the task at hand- cooling him down. 

 

I took the basin and drained the towel of excess water. I held his cheek in my hand as I rubbed away the sweat on his forehead, and wiped clean the rest of his face. His eyes were half-lidded, nonetheless still beautiful.

 

My left hand tilted his neck to the side, my right hand wiping the damp towel on his nape, along the contour of his jawline and down the vein on his neck, and I couldn’t help but be distracted by the shape and smoothness of it- deducing whether to lick his neck would be a way more fun method of doing this. But obviously, I decided against it, to my dismay. 

 

I continued, swiftly wiping off sweat from his shoulders to his biceps and going around his arm for either side. Then, I moved to the expanse of his chest, and then moved further down to his torso, a few subtle folds of skin visible as he was slouched over. His skin on his stomach considerably less tan than the rest of his body, seeing as how he’s been tanning on the island recently. I never really knew why he always wanted whiter skin, his naturally olive tanned skin to me looked quite beautiful. 

 

Yeah, I probably spent too much time on  _ that. _

 

I quickly grabbed a random shirt from my wardrobe and put it on him. As I popped his head through the the collar, I realised he’d fallen asleep upright, and he looked like a dumbass caterpillar, seeing as he didn’t put his arms through the sleeves. I stuck my hand through the holes and gently guided his arms through the holes, triggering a few pained groans from him, moving his aching muscles. 

 

I laid him back down and let him snore the room to his liking while I lifted his legs up, continuing to wipe him down. As I wiped his legs I observed just how different they were from mine- just a little shorter, meatier, tanned, and shins adorned in hair in contrast to my hairless white legs. 

 

After I returned the basin to the kitchen, draining the water and hanging the cloth up, I sat back down onto the bed next to his head. I looked at his sleeping expression and touched his hair, amazed at how he still looked exquisitely handsome in my gaze despite being sick. I combed his hair lightly, smiling gently. I wondered how he’d gotten sick, figuring it must be a symptom that built up gradually that he ignored, possibly while he was filming prior to coming here. 

 

I heard him mumble something low in his voice, I moved closer to him to hear it. It wasn’t the clearest, I hoped it wasn’t my mind hearing what it wanted to hear, but I swear he was just repeating  _ P’Saint  _ over and over again. 

  
  
  
  



	4. Bad Luck pt II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saint takes care of Perth, cuddles, and flashback to the car scene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEYYO CHIBAIS IM BACK with another short 1k fic because I couldn't resist. I was legit like writing in the bus... walking... It's just... so FUN. 
> 
> Please remember to leave comments hehe cuz i live for them they motivate me to get chapters out, also for real time updates of fic when you dont have an ao3 account pls follow @zellaraya on twitter :)

I cooked up a small bowl of porridge to give him some well-needed sustenance, then I prepared a few pills for fever and a cup of water, placing both of them on the bedside table. I sat down next to Perth’s arm and gently shook his shoulder, prodding him awake, “Perth...wake up, you have to eat.” I saw him gradually open his eyes and look around, he appeared weak but still an improvement from his previous state after getting some rest and cooling down. 

  


He clumsily propped himself to sit up, wincing at the ache of his muscles, “Sorry, Phi… I didn’t want to trouble you like this… I didn’t think I’d get sick, I’m sorry,” he apologised, looking down as if ashamed. 

  


I rose my hand up to his cheek and lifted his eyes to look at mine, “I’ll always take care of you,” I said, “Because I want to.” Then, I grabbed the bowl of porridge and sat down on the bed, scooping up a bit and blowing on it, then bringing it up to his lips. He tried to reject me, saying he could feed himself, but I insisted, “You can barely hold your own weight, let alone hold an entire bowl, so stop being stubborn.” 

  


He let me feed a few spoonfuls into his mouth, then I gave him the pill and followed it with a glass of water. Seeing as he looked fine on his own and needed to rest, I got up to leave. That is, before he grabbed my wrist and asked me, “Phi…,” he looked up at me, a subtly pleading look on his face, “Can you...stay with me?”

  


My heart fluttered at his words. I smiled, saying, “Of course,” as I sat back down on my position next to him, his hand still at my wrist, holding it firmly. I looked at him as he lay resting upright, supported by a stack of pillows. 

  


“Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?” He took in a breath at that question and looked elsewhere. 

  


“Because… I didn't want you to worry over me. You invited me to come over and have  _ fun _ , I didn’t want to spoil the mood and say I was sick… I’d become a burden,” he let out a soft laugh, slightly embarrassed at the statement, maybe even a hint of shame. I put my hand over his hand that was still holding mine, and I squeezed it with reassurance, “You will never be a burden to me, your health should always be your first priority. I will take care of you no matter what, I like taking care of you,” I smiled at him and he looked genuinely touched, eyes smiling. 

  


I shifted to sit right next to him, our shoulders overlapping as we talked about the time when we separated, I omitted any details that could in anyway imply the fact that everything I did was a distraction to cope with his absence. Obviously, I did more of the talking while the medicine’s drowsiness gradually took effect, my fast-paced babbling a white noise to lull him into sleep as he slid down into the bed, me with him. He laid leaning next to me, facing up, sleeping soundly, face calm and free of worry and pain despite his current state- at least the medicine was taking effect. I wondered in my head if there was a way to live in a moment forever, if I could just stay here taking care of him, I felt at peace knowing he was safer here with me. I turned my body to face him and pressed my hands between his arm and my chest. I hesitantly stretched my arm to gently place it around his shoulder as I looked at his sleeping face, so close, yet so far. My breathing hitched seeing him close again, vulnerable. Then, my heartbeat slowed as I succumbed to sleep again next to his warmth. 

  


This was the first time I’d been blessed with the chance to feel the entirety of his body next to mine, just sleeping, without the overruling context of following a script, directions, or noting a camera in the distance. This wasn’t a rehearsal, there was no time limit, there was no  _ scene _ . 

  


I remember the car scene; we’d overlooked the task, dismissed it as something slightly challenging but doable, something we’d be able to get through in no time. Everything was going smoothly, I said my lines and he said his, P’New shouted directions somewhere in the background and camera crew was stationed properly, ready to film the kiss. The moment came and we readied ourselves, gradually moving closer and closer… then we got barely an inch from each other’s faces and turned opposite ways, both parties blushing furiously. We retook the shot again and again until our foundation could no longer hide the red on our faces, we couldn’t do it- for some reason kissing him felt so much harder than it looked, I bet he’d felt the same way. This was new for both of us and it proved a challenge far more difficult than we’d anticipated. 

  


We had to make progress no matter what- so I just breathed and started again. When we grew closer I looked at his lips and noticed for the first time... at such a short distance, his lips looked ten times more plump and kissable than before. It looked almost tempting. I ignored what anxiety I felt and let it turn into adrenaline, excitement- I lunged head first into the water and kissed him first, the kiss lasting 5 seconds before I heard the  _ Cut _ from P’New. Seconds later, the buzzing of his walkie-talkie rung in my ears.

  


“Saint, Saint, Perth is the husband!” he joked, I laughed at that while still red in the face, Perth across me looking away and smiling in embarrassment. 

  


“Yes, yes, I’m the wife he’s the husband, I get it,” I had to remember my role in this series- I was the bottom, the more demure and shy one, I had to let Perth take the lead. But hey, at least we got the first kiss over with- a thousand mile journey can only start with the first step after all. 

  


I got used to the feeling of his lips on mine, we retook the scene over and over again, nonetheless the fluster didn’t subside. P’New kept saying it looked too rushed, not genuine, so we had to do it again. The final cut we took, right before we rolled again, Perth and I calmed down and tried to immerse ourselves into the scene, to make it look effortless and real. I let him take the lead, let him take my lips into his into a gentle, slow kiss. I melted into him, our lips in embrace as he turned his head, making them meet again. The softness of it, the tender feeling of his lips sparked a feeling of ecstasy in me, addicting- it was the first time Perth had made a subtle surge of a lustful want emerge from within me. After the scene, the ghost of his lips stayed dormant, I couldn’t forget it- not because it was another man- because it was  _ Perth _ . 

  


I woke up two hours later and it was entering late noon, and the sun rays were streaming through the blinds. I lay awake and opened my eyes to see him facing me, still fast asleep. Subconsciously, I reached out my hand. My thumb ghosted over his lips, barely touching, the feel of it still plump as I remember them. I wondered if one day I’d be given the chance to feel them against my lips again. I tested the waters, seeing if increasing the weight of my touch would wake him. It didn’t. 

  


I let my palm rest on his cheek, thumb caressing it slowly as my fingers curved around the contours of his jaw. He pressed into my touch, but still remained cocooned in his medicine-induced slumber. My heart pounded in my chest, to touch him was not forbidden nor taboo, yet despite the fact, I felt as if it was. 

  


Suddenly, I felt him move, and I quickly retracted my hands from his face. Then, I felt him turn and put his arm around me, pulling me closer to him, making our distance almost nose to nose. My eyes widened, he was still asleep, but his subconscious actions took me by surprise. My rational mind told me to squiggle out of the position, but my selfishness made me stay. I scooted closer and touched his nose, then I leaned my forehead against him and smiled, closing my eyes.

  


This feeling, being held by him, was something I’d forever describe as one of ecstasy: it was better than  _ food _ . 

  
  
  
  



	5. Captain Mae Nuk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mae Nuk's POV of the events occured~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter updates every 2-3 days~  
> Follow my twitter @zellaraya for updates if you have no account  
> Please comment as it gives me motivation to push chapters out!! And i love reading all of them, i appreciate yalls for taking them time huhuhu ;-;

When my son started filming for Love By Chance, I didn’t expect anything to change much. I didn’t know just how big the change in his life would be. I didn’t know that I’d bear witness to his eyes filled with pure love for anyone other than his family for the first time.

 

When I saw how he acted on screen, I grew a sense of pride in my heart seeing how realistic it was- every interaction with the other boy, Perth, looked genuine, like they were really falling in love in front of my eyes- they were perfect for Ae and Pete. Then, I saw them at the fan meetings, looking at- no-  _ into _ each other’s eyes without a hint of embarrassment. Seeing how they couldn’t go one second without being in each other’s sight or touch, I wondered if what I’d seen on screen was actually any acting at all.

 

I enjoyed seeing them together, as a mother there’s nothing more joyous than seeing your children happy, and it seemed that my son was happy with  _ him _ and I didn’t mind it at all. I felt in my heart that they liked each other as more than friends whether or not they were aware of it. Of course, I was concerned, my son had gone through hell when the rumours went around, I did think about the repercussions if word spread, calling my son names I dare not repeat. I may not have said things, but I knew of the maliciousness hiding in the shadows of the online ether.

 

Comments and unwanted opinions hurt my son, but not being around Perth probably hurt him more, because the pain lasted longer.

 

My son has an immense amount of mental strength, even when he’d crash down I’d see him pick himself up with dignity. He could take the comments, he could brush them off. But not being able to see Perth… I remember seeing him when he came back home to Trat after his last Love By Chance event. He was happy to be with us, but often I’d see him look elsewhere- thinking loudly in silence. I’d walk past him and I’d catch a glimpse of a wide toothy smile and cream puff cheeks in black ripped jeans on his screen. 

 

I’d ask him something about Perth and I’d see his eyes light up immediately just at the mention of his name, he would go on for an hour just talking about him. Then, right after that I’d see his face change under the surface, he would be smiling, but his eyes longed for something. 

 

I didn’t talk to him about it, but I knew.  

 

I’d catch him outside the room where he kept his gifts, sometimes he’d be leaning against  the doorframe just looking in with a forlorn look on his face, sometimes he’d be smiling. One day, I looked over his shoulder and their picture was in his hand, rubbing his thumb over Perth’s face. 

 

I didn’t know what he wanted to achieve, like staring at Perth’s picture would somehow summon the actual person. 

 

The break was for him to relax, not wallow in sadness, so as a mother, I did my duty and made my son happy- whether he liked it or not. And the effect was almost instantaneous, evident in the sound of kicked blankets coming from his room. 

 

When Perth arrived I made it a promise to myself to give them alone time so I went to work at the bike shop, I wanted them to catch up without my presence looming over them. When I arrived home with Neptune, I knew she was going to ask some questions, but I dragged her away before the boys’ faces could fully turn into fresh tomatoes- of course, I high-fived her on the way to the room. I’m allowed.

 

I heard Perth playing his guitar in the room after we’d come back from lunch that afternoon, it was coupled with my son’s voice that gradually faded followed moments later by the strings. I didn’t hear any talking, it was just quiet. I walked slowly towards the door and pushed it open a crack and popped my head through the opening, what I saw pulled my heartstrings- Perth had his head turned into Saint’s neck, Saint’s hand laid rested on his head, fingers covered in Perth’s hair, their hands laid on their lap, fingers intertwined. I smiled, and closed the door gently. 

 

A few days later, I woke up at around early noon and decided to check on the boys, the house seemed awfully quiet, their banter usually served as a makeshift alarm clock telling me it was time to feed them. I walked past the kitchen and saw an upside down basin, a towel drying over it, a bowl of porridge three-quarters way eaten, and a box of pills opened. I slowly creaked open the door and saw before me Perth with his arms laid over Saint’s waist and Saint with his hand resting just under Perth’s jaw, their legs halfway covered by the blanket, intertwined. They were sleeping soundly. I walked away and closed the door, as I cleaned the mess in the kitchen I remember a thought ringing in my head:

 

My boys were in love.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. Netflix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perth gives saint a sleepy backhug, hes drunk on medicine. Then, he gets better and they cuddle with Nana and fall asleep watching Netflix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short 1k update~

I slipped out of his arms quietly, padding out of the room to the kitchen to prepare another round of food and medicine for him. It was entering night, I’d been sleeping for half the day, I hadn’t showered but I didn’t think it mattered. The house was empty, which I found strange, there was a quiet lull in the house, devoid of Nana’s cries or Neptune’s voice. I was wondering where they were and found my answer on the kitchen counter in the form of a note in my mother’s script. 

  


_ Took the girls out for the day, coming back late. Take care of him.  _

  


At the bottom corner of the note was a scribbled, childish handwriting, no doubt from Neptune.

  


_ Kiss the boo boo! It will make P’Perth feel better ja~  _

  


She had obviously misread the situation. 

  


I folded the note and stuffed it in the pocket of my shorts, then I started heating up the porridge I’d left over earlier. I was stirring the small pot when I felt a warmth encircle my waist and a head lean on my shoulder, making my body tense at the unexpected contact. I looked down to see Perth’s hands hugging me tightly from behind, and I quickly leaned into his warmth, hand still stirring the pot. 

  


“Why are you out of bed, Perth?”

  


“Ng…’Cause you weren’t there,” he groaned, sounding as if he was still half-asleep. He probably was, this was probably just mindless babbling, nonetheless it still made me blush, knowing the medicine removed whatever filter he’d had- meaning he was being honest against his will. I smiled, feeling warmth spread from my heart. 

  


_ ‘Cause you weren’t there. _

  


I clicked off the fire and poured the small amount of porridge into the bowl, all the while Perth was still hopelessly clinging onto my waist like a child not wanting to let go of his toy. “Perth, you have to eat, let go of me for a while.” He reluctantly let go, a petulant frown on his face making me want to just pinch his cheeks and squish his face, even when he was sick he was adorable. I saw his body was slouching, slack, he was dragging his weight barely able to hold it. The kitchen counter was the nearest thing, so to save him the energy, I just cleared the counter and made him sit on it so I could feed him. I had the spoon in my hands and my other hand under his chin, I fed him the spoon of porridge and then used my thumb to wipe away whatever escaped from his mouth. 

  


“Rice… rice is good,” I laughed at his slurred words, and I fed him some more, I was glad he at least had appetite.  

  


He finished the small bowl and I placed it into the sink next to him, I looked at his face and his eyes were half-open, “How do you feel, Nong?”

  


“Like shit, Phi,” I snorted at that, of course he was. I grabbed the pill I put in a bowl and put it in my hand, I put it in his mouth and made him chug down some water. After he swallowed the pill, I squished his face with my two hands, “Good boy.” He smiled at me while his eyes were still closed, he looked like a hippie high on drugs. He put his hands over mine and leaned into my touch, cushioning his face further in between my hands, his cheeks looked twice as puffy and his lips were puckered like a child, he opened his eyes and looked up at me, shooting stars right into my heart. I laughed at him, he looked adorable, like a little playful toddler making faces. 

  


He let go of my hands and tugged at my shirt, pulling me even more forward, then he leaned his head into my chest, breathing in and out deeply. My hands raised as he wrapped his arms tightly against my back, hugging me. I placed my hand on his neck and the other in his hair as he just breathed, with me stationed in between his legs. 

  


“Phi…,” I stopped my movements, “Stay with me.”

  


“I would even if you didn't ask,” I whispered, knowing it wouldn’t register in his brain the weight of my words, even if he did, he would probably remember it as a foggy, far off dream, memories blurred by sickness. 

  


His symptoms gradually faded over a couple days and we were back to the old energetic banter, sometimes filling the house with laughter, and sometimes… we were quiet just beside each other… for long stretches of time. Netflix was on our screen when we heard cries coming from the nursery. I got up with Perth’s eyes following me, then later mirroring my movements and following me to soothe the crying creature. I held the baby up in front of me, still crying, “Why are you crying, na, Nong?” I checked her diaper, but it was clear, “You must be hungry.” I passed Nana to Perth while I sought out the milk powder from the shelf. 

  


While I was mixing the solution, my eyes travelled to Perth, holding the baby, cradled in his arms, he was cooing the little thing, lightly poking its stomach, soothing my sister. I smiled at the precious sight, I wanted to keep it in my heart forever. I shook the bottle and walked over to Perth, he cradled her in his arms and faced her to me as I fed the little nub into her tiny mouth. Her cries immediately quieted as she sucked on the little bottle. He bounced her lightly in his arms as I rubbed her little stomach with my thumb, she held onto the little bottle and tamed. 

  


I followed Perth as he carried her to the living room couch, her little mouth nibbling on the teet of the bottle as he went, bouncing lightly in his arms. He played with her, carrying her by supporting her under her shoulders, bouncing her up and down on his thigh making her squeal in laughter. The bottle was put aside as we passed her back and forth, entertaining her as much as she entertained us, her puffy cheeks bobbing with delight. We played with her till eventually we got tired and just sat her on our thighs as we sat sticking thigh to thigh, legs outstretched on the elongated part of the sofa, giving her ample cushion space. Our shoulders overlapped, our hands subconsciously stroking the baby between us as we watched the screen until it eventually became a blur as our eyelids grew heavy. 

  


We let the dialogue on the screen mute into the background, a white noise as we scooched in closer to each other, cradling the child between us. We jostled, turning to face each other, carefully embracing Nana in our warmth as we intertwined our bodies to create a nest for her. My arms crossed over her to lay on his waist as Perth embraced her fully in his hands, our legs intertwined. 

  


Some part of me wanted this, the feeling of content and family. The notion seemed far off and idealistic- that I could  _ have _ it, especially with him. I felt safe with him, being around him, I felt at peace when he was by my side- the longing I felt for him only multiplied with every second I spent away from him. 

  


Returning to him, to be with him, to stay with him, to me- was to  _ return home. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saint kisses perth

The first week had passed and we entered a comfortable routine, his presence in the house now starting to become natural. Gradually, our touches became more frequent, lingering for too long or…not even leaving at all. When Mae Nuk was out of the house, we’d take care of Nana, and Neptune was becoming more accustomed to the new older brother she could play with, constantly squealing ‘P’Perth! P’Perth!’

 

As the days passed after he got sick, more nights were spent talking to each other on my bed, legs outstretched and leaning against the pillow, shoulders overlapping, letting whatever topic fill the room till twilight engulfed the night. It became an unspoken habit- him falling asleep in my bed next to me, yet still I wasn’t used to him being so close to me every night, my heart still fluttering every time I see his cute sleeping face, eyes closed and eyebrows unfurrowed, expression free of the stress we felt in our lives being who we were. 

 

Usually, I’d admire him in secret during those nights. When my eyes adjust to the dark, I’d just look at him and smile- but not tonight. Tonight, I decided to test the boundaries. Something in me urged my fingers to  _ touch _ , to feel him. I reached out my hand and lightly pressed my palm on his cheek. 

 

Then, I saw his eyes blink open. 

 

He didn’t do anything. He just looked at me. I tried to slowly lifted off my palm when he suddenly placed his palm over mine, keeping it there. He nuzzled into my touch. We continued to be stagnant in the same position until my inner wants made themselves known and took over me, breaking through what boundaries I’d set for myself, what I’d promised to never cross. 

 

I kissed him. 

 

For a second, my lips were only on him, barely moving, waiting for the possibility of rejection. Instead, he kissed back, moving into me and pulling my waist towards his making our bodies in full contact with each other head to toe. We kissed slow and languid, his lips locking with mine, tasting each other, turning our heads in rhythm. We were drunk on pent up lust, our lips dancing and hands touching- I regretted it. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dont kill me lmao wait


	8. About Last Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perth's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you feel the angst bABY

I felt more at home the longer I stayed here, part of his family even- Neptune and Nana became akin to my own sisters, and Mae Nuk treated me as her own son, caring for me. But without P’Saint, I don’t think I would have enjoyed it as much, been as happy. I enjoyed the lazy days we shared, cuddling on the bed without meaning to, talking about nothing yet he always managed to fill the space with his talkative nature, it kept me entertained, and I enjoyed listening to his voice. 

 

I knew I liked him, but I never really bothered to ponder just  _ how much _ I liked him- whether or not my feelings were the  _ other _ L-word. 

 

As I spent more time with him, I came to realise just how much the little things he did made me feel happy- the way he’d fix my hair when we’d go out sometimes, when he’d help me fold my jacket when we were out, his words of concern sparking a little bit of happiness in my heart, knowing he cared- and he shared his food with me, so that really showed. I tried to imagine a future without him next to me, and I couldn’t. I felt like living without him in my life would feel incomplete, like I  _ needed _ him or it wouldn’t be living.

 

I remembered feeling his hands on the base of my neck, anchored there subconsciously whenever we were standing next to each other, the remnants of his touch still there even in his absence. I remembered splitting ways after Love By Chance and being stuck in a state of not knowing when I’d get him back- I didn’t want to feel like that again. 

 

Was this a feeling you’d feel for a friend? A brother? I tried to fit it into that, but I simply couldn’t think of him that way- we’d been far too affectionate  for our relationship to be of that nature- platonic, just friends. Did he feel the same for me? I didn’t know. 

 

But when he kissed me that night, I knew. It took me by surprise. My heart suddenly started to beat with excitement at the realisation that I could have him, that there was a  _ chance _ . 

 

I felt giddy in the morning light, waking up to see him next to me, our bodies still in the position we’d left them in when we fell asleep last night- his arms cradling my neck, keeping my head to his chest as our legs lay intertwined lazily under the blanket. I was awake, but I chose to stay, to nuzzle in further to his embrace, feeling his warmth further encircle me and seep into me from my skin, a kind of golden yellow buzz spread from within me, and a smile spread from my lips. 

 

We shared a silent morning together, the house still asleep when we stepped into the kitchen. He gently shook the frying pan over the fire as I hugged him lazily from behind, my chin over his shoulder as he silently made breakfast. We didn’t speak about it- what happened the night before, but when I reached my hand up to his chest to expand my embrace, I felt his heartbeat and I knew he was thinking about it too. 

 

When we sat on the sofa watching the television, I sat like I always did, plopping down next to him, our sides practically seamed together. I leaned my head onto his shoulders, watching peacefully until my head fell abruptly into open air. He got up and went to the room wordlessly. It was not an unusual action but somehow the way he just left me alone without so much as an acknowledgement carried a tone that made my heart pull, cogs silently turning in my brain, but I dismissed it as nothing. 

 

When he spoke to me he sounded like he always did, so that eased my mind a bit, he was just as caring and talkative. I didn’t test too much of the boundaries of our current status, I deemed it too vulnerable, too unsure of the outcome to try. 

 

“Phi, about last night-,”

 

“What do you want to eat? Mae just got groceries, I think there’s some seafood we could cook up.”

 

Any kind of segue into last night was put off by similar excuses. It got to the point where I noticed and stopped trying, the knowledge that he didn’t want to talk about it made me feel suspicious. But I remained optimistic, because I held on to the fact that I knew that kiss meant something. It had to. Maybe he was just embarrassed.

 

I opened the kitchen cabinet above my head, swinging a little too forcefully causing the edge to hit my head. P’Saint came rushing by, hands quickly grabbing my head, sharply turning me to face him, “Are you okay? Did you hit your head? Are you hurt?” 

 

“I think you’ll break my neck before I bleed to death,” I covered his hands with mine, holding them tenderly, and looking in his eyes. He scoffed at himself, and kept his hands there. I smiled up at him, “It’s just a bruise, it’ll go away,” I said, “I wonder who will take care of me like you once I’m back to work at Bangkok.” His smile faltered but remained, turning hollow, and he slipped his hands away, not replying and going back to what he was doing. As his face turned back to the dish he was preparing, it turned black, emotionless.

 

I approached him gingerly, my hand reaching out to him, “Phi, are you okay? Did I say something wron-,”

 

“ _ Leave it _ ,” his tone abrupt and final, I’d never heard it directed at me before and it scared me, his words stabbed through me and my hand jolted back as if it had touched a red hot wire. I left him as he was and walked out, frustrated, concerned, and insecure. Just what the hell did I do?

 

The incident was never mentioned again though it still hung in the air between us, preventing us from talking how we usually did- neither of us tried anyway. He avoided me the rest of the day, and when it came time to sleep, I swept off what little dust had accumulated on the mattress I’d abandoned, and slept on it.  

 

I heard a soft creaking some time in the night, the door ajar and the padding of footsteps gradually getting more distant. I rubbed my eyes and got up from the mattress, following the trail. I arrived at the door and peered through the crack, seeing him sit just at the foot of the steps, arms wrapped around his knees, looking at the ground for answers to a question perhaps only he could hear. Then, I saw his shoulders start to shake, and I could hear the sound of him quietly sobbing. I grew concerned, curious, but I dared not interrupt- this was a private moment, to comfort him would be to intrude. Instead, I watched, reluctantly, as the person I admired and considered one of the strongest people in my life, my anchor, break into pieces in front of me for a reason I could not name. 

 

I would later realise that to name that reason would be naming myself.

  
  
  



	9. Raincheck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It'll get better don't kill me

I tried to ignore it- that pit in my stomach that kept growing after that night- but every time I thought I’d forgotten about it, it found its way back into my head. When I dreamt that night I dreamt about him kissing me again, this time we’re together, this time he’s  _ mine _ . We spend our days in a bliss, we look into each other’s eyes and time stops. Our time was spent with each other, his hands warm, sensual, loving. We were happy. Then, suddenly his presence was reduced to a text on my screen. 

 

_ Phi, I’m flying out that day, raincheck na, I’ll see  _

_ you. _

 

_ Phi, I have an event that day, raincheck, love you. _

 

_ Phi, can’t meet you, raincheck. _

 

_ Phi, can’t, raincheck. _

 

_ Phi, raincheck. _

 

_ Raincheck.  _

 

_ -seen- _

 

_ -delivered- _

 

We weren’t connected anymore, we had no obligations to see each other, we had no more events together, we had no more sponsors. Our work was separate, our popularity a double-edged sword. I grew desperate.

 

_ S: Can I see you? Please? Can you make me a priority too? _

 

_ P: This event is important for my career, Phi. I can’t.  _

 

_ S: Am I not important? _

 

_ P: You’re holding me back from my work, I can’t be with you right now, can’t you understand that?  _

 

I became a burden to him, a dead weight to his career. When I woke up that morning, he was in my embrace, a gentle smile on his face. I wanted this with him so bad, I wanted him, to be selfish. But I couldn’t do that to him- he worked so hard to get to where he was, what kind of Phi would I be to hold him back from it? 

 

The rest of the day, I tried to act normal. I tried. I almost succeeded. 

 

“I wonder who will take care of me like you  _ when I go back to work _ in Bangkok.”  

 

It triggered my thoughts, making me remember fragments of the dream, the pain I felt as my heart dropped when I realised I became but a burden to his life. Anxiety filled my system at the thought. I snapped at him for the first time in the year and half I knew him, and it hurt- for both of us. 

 

That night we laid with a rift between us, he’d gone back to his mattress, leaving me with an open space that wasn’t there until he came here. I couldn’t sleep. I got up from my bed and padded my way to the front door. I sat crouched on the steps, hugging my knees and looking down at the floor. I let my thoughts flood my head, my anxieties surfacing and making themselves known.

 

_ Why did it have to be him? Why can’t it be someone else? Why did it have to be now? Is this the right thing to do? What do I do now? Do I just avoid him? Act like everything’s normal? It’s too late now, what the hell do I do?  _

 

The thoughts racing through my head gave me whiplash, too fast, too many- it overwhlemed me. Tears welled up in my eyes, I couldn’t stop them, because after all of my doubts, after trying to find some  _ other  _ conclusion to my worries, I couldn’t help it. My entire body quaked under the moonlight as I sobbed as quietly as possible, tears streaming down my cheeks making dots on the ground below me. 

 

_ I love him but I can’t have him.  _

 

I was in the room, scrolling through my phone, filling my mind with distractions. I saw Perth enter- I didn’t think I could share a room with him without my mind filling with anxiety, so I got up to leave. Before I could step out of the door I felt a strong grip on my wrist, holding me in place. My heart rate picked up.

 

“What?”

 

“Talk to me.”

 

“About what?” I all but croaked, acting dumbly, I didn’t want to talk to him about what happened. I didn’t want to talk to him at all. Anything I’d say would only end in my tears.

 

“Phi,” he sounded desperate, desperate to get me to say something, “Why are you doing this?” 

 

“Doing what?”

 

“Don’t act like you’re not avoiding me,” I couldn’t say anything, it would be a lie to deny it. I simply stared back. 

 

“What do you want me to  _ say? _ ” I questioned him. He took a breath.

 

“You won’t talk about that night, you won’t talk to me in general, now you don’t even want to be in the same room with me. Just  _ what _ did I do?” He really  _ was _ desperate, pleading almost. It made me feel guilty, that I made him feel like it was his fault. 

 

“You didn’t do anything,” my voice was shaking, I really didn’t want to speak, my throat felt like it was closed. I could already feel my tears threatening to slip. I tore my hand from his, I tried to walk away but he grabbed me again, fiercely turning me back around, almost making me lose balance. His expression was a mix of angry, pleading, and confused- his eyebrows furrowed and mouth agape. 

 

“Tell me what the  _ fuck _ you want me to do, because you are acting like this for a reason, and I  _ know _ it has to do with that kiss,” he looked at me directly in the eyes, a scowl on his face and tone sharp, demanding, fierce. It was as if he was challenging me to say it wasn’t. As I looked closer I saw a gleam in his eye, a liquid forming over them. 

 

“Just forget about it, forget what happened,” I begged him. 

 

His eyebrows furrowed further, “Why, Phi?” He surged forward, grabbing my shoulders, shaking them. “Why?” I could see tears in his eyes, He searched for something in my eyes. He took my hands, holding onto both of them tightly, “I don’t want to forget about it, it-it meant something right?”

 

I tore my hands away, my heart dropping as I said, my voice breaking, “It was a  _ mistake _ .” 

 

But my true mistake- was walking away.


	10. Mae Nuk to the Rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mae Nuk talks to her son about love and Neptune spills the secret, Saint confesses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The confession we all needed. I'm writing this shit to recover from Reminders Ep 2, that shit hurted- suspiciously well timed with my fic where they fought, same emotions too (see the gif thread I made on twt recreating the fight scene).

I felt numb. I hated what I did, but it was too late, I’d already done it- some part of me wished I would have been more rational, let him down more gently, but another part of me knew I wouldn’t have been able to be calm in that situation. I didn’t dare look back at him after that, the guilt was overwhelming. I didn’t want to see him cry because of me. I hated myself for it because I was supposed to  _ protect _ him, and now I hurt him. Disgusting hypocrite. 

 

It was reaching evening and my mother and sister had just arrived home. At that moment, Perth walked towards the door, “Aew, Perth, where are you going?” My mom asked.

 

“Just going to walk around,” he smiled awkwardly, his eyes showing a hint of red, still puffy. I looked anywhere but at him. 

 

“Why isn’t Saint going with you?” He didn’t answer, he just laughed dismissively and looked down at the floor. Then, he walked out. My mother’s eyes followed him and then flitted back to me. She looked confused, then her face turned serious.

 

“Neptune, go to your room. Please, do your homework for Mae, okay?” She said this all while keeping eye contact with me, eyes staring a hole through me. 

 

“Saint Suppapong Udomkaewkanjana.” 

 

_ Shit. _

 

“Kitchen,” she ordered, I abided and trailed her backside to the kitchen counter, sitting down across from her. “What did you do?” Straightforward, to the point.

 

I couldn't hide anything from her, my mother knew me, I couldn’t say anything but the truth. After a while, I got the courage to speak, “I…,”I paused, looking for the right words to say, “kissed him.” Her expression turned gentle, slowly realising what this was leading up to. “Then, I said it was a mistake,” I took a breath, my eyes already starting to well, “that it didn’t mean anything.” 

 

“Why did you say that?”

 

“Because I got anxious,” my mind went down that hole again, all bad possibilities stemming from the kiss filling my head, “I wanted to be with him and I couldn’t control myself and kissed him. I-I wanted to be with him but then I got scared,” I took a breath in, my throat started to feel choked, the words coming out of my mouth not making any sense, “because I thought I’d become a burden to his career. He’s doing so well now, I’ll just become a distraction or a burden to him eventually. He’ll be flying out a lot, or he’ll be too busy to see me- we barely see each other as it is,” my lips started to quiver as the words spilled from my mouth, I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks and I pressed my palm into my eyes, “It wouldn’t  _ work. _ ” 

 

My mother’s hands soothed me as I sobbed. She got up and came back with a glass of water and tissue. As I drank the water and wiped my tears, she kneeled down and looked up at me, “You can’t control what you feel or when you feel it. What you have is precious, cherish it, don’t reject it- even if it’s scary. Did you think I wasn’t scared at least a little bit when I got together with your father? It’s normal to be scared, that’s just love- it’s scary.”

 

“But what happens if-,”

 

“Don’t think too much. Don’t think about the future, think about now. You don’t know if you don’t try, and if you don’t try you’re going to live the rest of your life regretting.” I sniffled, looking at the kitchen counter, absorbing my mother’s words, “Love like this only comes by once in a while, it’ll be a long time before you find it again. If you find it at all.” 

 

At the corner of my eye, I saw a little pair of eyes and pigtails hiding behind the wall. How long had they been there watching? She gradually unstuck herself to the wall and walked towards me. She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed tightly, “Don’t tell P’Perth, kha… But he has a secret,” she pulled my head down, whispering in my ear, “You are the cutest in his heart.” The innocent confession made me smile despite my tears- so that’s what they were giggling about in the kitchen. “Don’t be sad, na, na, na. P’Perth loves you, na~ Don’t cry, na, Phi.” I laughed at her consolation, I wrapped my arms around her little body and squeezed it tightly, what ever did I do to deserve such a cute sister? 

 

When he came back, it had long since been dark. I was in bed, awake, staring at the ceiling, thinking about the things about him I fell in love with- trying to see where I first started to fall. I turned my eyes to see him opening his cabinet where he kept his things, in his hand his backpack he’d brought. I got up slowly, sitting on the edge of my bed, “What are you doing?” 

 

He stuffed his shirts deep into the bag, “Packing. There’s no reason for me to stay so I’ll leave in the morning,” his voice had a hoarseness to it, rough and strained- it hurts knowing why. I stood up and walked towards him, grabbing his wrist, “Stop.” He tried to snatch his hand away, but I gripped tighter. “Talk to me first.” He scoffed at me.

 

“Not afraid you’ll make another  _ mistake _ ?” Yea, I deserved that. 

 

“Please?” He took a second, but he relented and put his bag down. I climbed back up to bed and sat against my pillow, patting the spot beside me. He sat across me, crossing his legs- close enough. “I’m sorry,” I looked directly into his eyes, sharp even in the night’s darkness, “The kiss, I didn't mean to do it… but it wasn't a mistake,” his expression softened.

 

“When… When we separated, I didn't think it would make me miss you as much as it did. I was so used to you being next to me, I took it for granted. I missed everything. I thought it would go away but it didn’t. I kept thinking about you, your smile, your cheeks, your eyes. I didn’t know what that all meant until you came here… I realised,” I took a deep breath, hesitating to say the words, “I think… I think I love you.” He looked stunned. I felt a huge weight lifted off me as I confessed, the words spilled from my lips and expressed what I felt as best as I could.

 

“Are you sure about that?” He questioned. I thought about it for a second. 

 

“I think staring at your picture for two hours trying to summon you just to make me feel better has to be some kind of love, right?”

 

He scoffed, and he smiled- it was the most comforting thing I’d seen the entire day. I hoped there wouldn't come a time again where I would be the reason it would be gone. 

 

I leaned forward and took his hand, pulling it towards me, willing him to come back. He followed and crawled over to sit right next to me, and I felt the void in my heart start to fill. We looked at each other, his eyes still had a hint of red around them, subtle in the moonlight, but I could tell they were tired. I interlocked our fingers as I continued, “I was scared. You’re going to go far in this industry, and I know it, everyone does. I thought that if I was selfish and had a relationship with you that I would somehow hold you back, be overbearing and needy. And you yourself said that you don’t think you’re ready for a relationship at your age, so I didn't want to go against that,” I looked down at our fingers, his fingers were beautiful, “But I have to be honest with myself, too. I can’t lie and say I have no feelings for you because I do. Nothing can change that, I’ve tried.” 

 

My eyes met his, “Perth Tanapon, I’m in love with you whether you like it or not.” 

 

He smiled, his smile brighter than the reflection off the moon. He looked handsome like this, but then again, he looked handsome no matter what he did. He put his hands on my cheeks and laid his lips on mine, interlocking before pulling away, “You’re not holding me back from anything,” he leaned his forehead against mine, “If anything, my work is the one holding me back from  _ you _ .”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theyre not done yetttttt


	11. I Love You Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Perth's last night and Saint finally asks the question. Perth says yes in exchange for a kiss. Mae Nuk is satisfied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter :) thank you for reading, please leave a comment on how you feel about this entire story (now also on wattpad). I will be starting another AU where Saint is a baker and Perth is a barista.

The last night he spent here, we went back to the beach- the same place we started when he first arrived. My mother and my sisters were in the pit, eating and playing, while I sat on the sand with my arm slung over Perth’s shoulder, combing my fingers through his hair. 

 

“When we go back, what happens?” I asked, a hint of insecurity was still left behind in my heart, even after I confessed. He turned to me, a gentle look in his eyes and small smile on his face.

 

“What do you  _ want _ to happen?” He smirked at me, both ends of his mouth curving up. He wanted me to ask the question I hadn’t exactly asked yet. I blushed. 

 

“I… I want you to…,” He leaned forward, touching my nose with his, willing me to continue, “be my boyfriend?” 

 

“Mm, I’ll say yes on one condition.”

 

“What is it?”

 

“Kiss me,” he said as he made contact with my eyes. How could I have said no? I surged forward capturing his lips, turning my head to the left and gaining more access, gently sucking on his bottom lip. Then, I let go slowly and looked back at him, his eyes half lidded, lips sheened with saliva, mouth agape. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me towards him, pouting childishly, “More, more, more, why’d you stop?” I laughed at him, then I shoved my palm at his face and pushed him away. 

 

“That’s enough. I kissed you already, what’s your answer?” He adjusted his hair and wrapped his arms around my bicep, clinging to me. 

 

“Yes,” he kissed my cheek, and whispered into my ear, “I love you, too.”

 

I woke up the next morning knowing he’d be leaving, but I wasn’t sad in any way. I knew no matter where he went, how far he was from me, that he’d be mine. I felt a sense of security. My family saw him off together, they watched as I hugged him goodbye. 

 

“When can we meet again once you’re back?”

 

“As soon as I can, I don’t care how many jobs I have to cancel.”

 

He headed for the door, and before he could open it, I grabbed his wrist. I turned him towards me and put his face in my hands- kissing his forehead. “I love you, don’t forget it.” The line followed by giggles in the background. He flustered and turned away before looking back, “I won’t.”

 

\--

_ Nuk_hatch: It worked.  _

 

_ Chen_WL: Finally. Seeing him stare at that kid’s picture on his phone for hours is not healthy.  _

 

_ Pupae: 555 they finally stopped pining.  _

 

_ Gin_chinatsuras: You are all evil. _

 

_ Zaanuk_Jkrow: Any advice for my boys, too? 555 _

 

_ Nuk_hatch: All it took was breaking a spring in my guest bedroom mattress.  _

_ \-- _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How y'all like that?? 😂😂


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